A Party Invitation

Your teacher is having a yearlong party….and everyone is invited.

That’s the message—the invitation—I want students to receive on the first day of school from every one of their teachers. I’m not talking about a wild, out-of-control, call-the-cops-and-shut-this-craziness-down kind of party. The type of party I’m thinking of is one where everyone is excited to attend, has a good time, meets and learns from interactions with others, and leaves with lasting memories and anticipation for the next get-together.

But it’s not easy to make such a life-changing experience happen. To learn how throw a superlative party, it’s a good idea to consult the experts. Emily Post was someone who knew how to entertain a houseful of guests. This wealthy, white East Coast socialite with her finishing school education and extravagant inheritances, though clearly not representative of most of America even during her lifespan, rose to prominence in the 1920s as the nation’s leading authority on etiquette and proper comportment. Her seminal 1922 book, Etiquette, and the website of the organization she started, The Emily Post Institute, provide some gems for educators as they ponder how to pack some punch into the “party” they’re planning for the upcoming school year.

According to the writers at The Emily Post Institute, party organizers should consider “Six Ways to Be a Good Host.”  Fascinatingly, these time-tested party tips also apply beautifully to what we as teachers do in our classrooms with students:

1) Invite clearly. Include necessary information for your guests in the invitation: the date, the time, the place, the occasion, the host(s) and when and how to respond “yes” or “no.” Add any special information such as what to wear or what to bring, say, for a pot-luck. (All quotations in blue are from emilypost.com.)

Most of us don’t get to invite students to be in our classes; students either sign up or they don’t, and schedules are magically assigned by a counselor or a computer. We may not be able to decide who shows up at our party, but we have the chance as we communicate with students, parents, and adults on our campus to make sure our language, tone, and body language send the message that we truly believe everyone is invited into our classrooms.  Eliminating phrases such as “isn’t honors (or AP) material” and “doesn’t belong” can go a long way to changing our own perceptions of our students. No longer will our party be like Studio 54 with a bouncer at the door ready to block the entrance of the undesirables. We can make sure every student is on the guest list. Having guests with wide and varied backgrounds, interests, perspectives, and experiences makes a richer party with livelier and more engrossing conversations.

2) Plan well. Take care creating your guest list. A great group of people will make any party a success, even if it rains on the picnic or the food is a flop. Get everything ready—your meal prepped, the table set, your party space tidy, refreshments ready—well before your guests arrive, so you’ll feel relaxed from the very beginning.

That part about getting everything ready before your guests arrive is spot-on advice for teachers. If you’re scurrying around trying to complete last-minute plans, write the learning target on the board, return unanswered emails, gather supplies, update Google Classroom, and put the finishing touches on a PowerPoint presentation as students enter the room, you start out the period agitated, and students can sense that. If you feel relaxed and can fix your attention on your students from the outset, class will run more smoothly for you and for the kids. Excellent preparation ensures a seamless flow of activities and efficient, unobtrusive use of materials, which lets your “partygoers” know that you’re the one who has taken meticulous care to make this the best party ever.

3) Be welcoming and attentive. Make sure guests are greeted warmly, then made to feel welcome throughout the party. Look after each guest as much as you can. If you notice a guest with an empty glass or if there’s one person standing alone, take action and remedy the situation.

Meet your students at the door. Learn their names AND how to pronounce them correctly. Show every student consideration and hospitality. What is hospitality? Emily Post addressed the topic herself in Etiquette: “The atmosphere of hospitality is something very intangible, and yet nothing is more actually felt—or missed.” Students may not be able to tell you when they feel welcome in a certain teacher’s class, but they are acutely aware when they don’t. Remember that each student is a guest in your classroom and, as such, deserves to be treated with the highest level of kindness and hospitality. The ancient Greeks had a word for this, xenia. In their case, the kindness they showed strangers stemmed from their fears that the stranger might be a deity in disguise who might strike them down if they didn’t treat him well. In today’s world, teachers should just be hospitable because it’s the right thing to do. Our hospitality expert again provides some sage advice on the topic:

“If you take some one under your roof, he becomes part of, and sharer in, your life and possessions. . . . You receive your guest with a smile, no matter how inconvenient or troublesome or straining to your resources his visit may be, and on no account do you let him suspect any of this.”

-Emily Post, Etiquette (1922)

A welcoming teacher has an extraordinary poker face that never lets that one student (or his classmates) know that he drives the teacher crazy or is an ever-increasing test of patience. I am still working on perfecting that skill.

4) Be flexible and gracious. Your soufflé falls. Or one friend arrives with an unexpected guest. The ruined dessert? Have a fallback. The uninvited guest? As discourteous as it is for someone to spring a surprise on you, be gracious. No polite host would ever send an uninvited guest packing.

Guess what? You’re working with kids. Something is going to go wrong. Things will happen that are not as you planned. Frequently. Some timid teen is going to show up in your room on the first day of school with your name on her schedule, and you are going to have no prior knowledge that she is coming...and may not have a spare seat in your crowded room for her. Have a plan B and a plan C. Welcome that student like you would all the others and find a spot for her, even if it means giving up your own desk chair for the day. I assure you that students are a whole lot more nervous on day one than you are; the way you handle those unexpected surprises makes an indelible first impression.  

5) Be the leader and the spark. It’s your job to run the show and let your guests know when it’s time for dinner, or dessert, or charades. Circulate among your guests, introduce newcomers, and stay with each group long enough to get a conversation going.

This timely tip has two components, both of which are important for party-planning teachers.

Be the leader. You’re the one in charge of your classroom, but you can walk a fine line between host-in-charge and dictatorial tyrant. Have you ever been to a party where the host met you at the door and began rattling off a list of things you could NOT (underlined and bolded and perhaps in all caps for emphasis) do? “There’s ABSOLUTELY NO chewing gum at this party. Using your cell phone WILL result in a ZERO. DO NOT talk to one another unless I give you permission to do so. DO NOT get out of your seat. And, if you have a question, DO NOT blurt it out.  Those who show up to the party late will receive a warning the first time and then will NOT be invited back next time. . . .” If your host greeted you with that tirade, I suspect you wouldn’t stick around that party for long. A good party planner welcomes guests, orients them to what they CAN do at the party, and trusts that they will behave in a civil manner. Nine times out of ten, when the party is well-planned, responsive to the needs of the guests, and run by an amiable host, the partygoers will behave. When and if a problem occurs, the host speaks with the offending guests in private because no one likes to be shamed publicly. The Puritans did the public shaming thing in the early days of the colonies in New England, and the Puritans didn’t exactly establish a historical reputation for having fabulous parties.

Be the spark. A host is the spark of the party, igniting the enthusiasm of each guest and getting things rolling. In the classroom, teachers kindle the fires of learning, but they must begin by building a strong classroom community. That involves taking a personal interest in every student, getting to know them all. For party hosts (and educators) who can’t be bothered with getting to know every guest, our friend Mrs. Post has some harsh advice:

“Introspective people who are fearful of others, fearful of themselves, are never successfully popular hosts or hostesses. If you for instance, are one of these, if you are really afraid of knowing some one who might some day prove unpleasant, if you are such a snob that you can’t take people at their face value, then why make the effort to bother with people at all? Why not shut your front door tight and pull down the blinds and, sitting before a mirror in your own drawing-room, order tea for two?”

-Emily Post, Etiquette (1922)

(Ouch, Emily. But thanks for speaking the truth.)

6) Be appreciative. Thank people for coming as you bid them good-bye. And don’t forget to thank anyone who brought you a gift.

As your guests leave your classroom each day, let them know you were glad they made the effort to show up and participate. Modeling gratitude and appreciation builds capacity in your students to share their gratitude and appreciation with others.

Odds are highly unlikely that a teacher would receive an actual gift from a student on the first day of school, so the idea of thank-you notes seems irrelevant in this unwieldy educational metaphor. Though there may be no Starbucks gift cards, tacky coffee cups, or apples left on the teacher’s desk, the teacher-as-host has the opportunity to notice and be witness to the gifts the students bring with them every day— those character traits and habits of the mind the teacher can reinforce through praise. By pointing out the gifts in our students when we spot them, we celebrate what we value and generally see more of it down the road. Mrs. Post touches on this idea when she writes about the actions of the ideal partner at a bridge party:

“The ideal [bridge] partner is one who never criticises or even seems to be aware of your mistakes, but on the contrary recognizes a good maneuver on your part, and gives you credit for it whether you win the hand or lose…. Also, to be continually found fault with makes you play your worst; whereas appreciation of good judgment on your part acts as a tonic and you play seemingly ‘better than you know how.’”  

-Emily Post, Etiquette (1922)

The power of appreciating the gifts in our students is that is makes them “better than [they] know how to be. “  It is so easy to find faults in things. I’m a champion at it. Fault finders don’t win popularity contests. Those who find and celebrate the good things others do, however, bring out the best in those around them. People want to be around them; they want to come to their parties.

My wish for everyone who reads this is that your classroom is a party all year long and that students learn, achieve, grow, connect, and surpass their own expectations as well as yours. May you be the “host with the most” and have cheerful students who are excited to return to your classroom every single day. What are you waiting for? Get the party started.